How not to make pea soup:

follow the recipe.

I was so pleased with myself. There I was at Fairview for the day; I had to make supper for the seniors... how about something easy that I could start earlier? Pea soup, perfect! I could add kielbasa and some other delectable flavors which I would have chosen later.

So, I pulled out a package of dried split peas and rinsed them off (just like the directions said). I then dumped them into the correct sized pot. I measured the water carefully--8 cups. Eight cups to one pound of dried peas. I read it. More than once. Ok, so it (the evil recipe) told me to bring it to a boil for two minutes, remove the pot from the heat and allow it to soak for one hour. Did that.

One hour later: I turned the heat on once again, checked the directions again (just to be careful, I only wanted the meal to come out nice, is that too much to ask for??) and turned the pot on a low heat, just enough so the blasted thing would simmer. It did. Everything was fine, just as it should be. I KNEW it was.

It was then, part way into the three hours it was to simmer, that the Evil Destroyer of Dinners struck. Off sitting in the living room, feeling relaxed and pleased with myself for coming up with such an easy dinner to make, one that the seniors would enjoy, my nose slowly started to pick up a Very Interesting Odor. **sniff**sniff**

ARRRRRRRGH! Nooooo!

I arrived in the kitchen, hair streaming behind me, slid to a stop and lifted the pot's lid. Definitely no water to be seen anywhere. The smell was terrible. After setting the pot in the sink and turning on the stove fan, I dashed about opening windows. Too bad it was cold outside....

I was crushed (or maybe it was the smell that was making me feel so bad, not the fact that my nice dinner had just been destroyed). By this time it was about 4 pm and supper was supposed to be at 5:15. I had to make something out of a box. How anticlimatic.

The veggie platter looked nice, though... heh.

After our inferior supper was eaten and put away, I went to do my duty and clean out the pot. Rachel removed the lid. Rachel passed out on the floor from the horrifying odor. Have you ever smelled burnt on food? It's naaaaaasty, and I think this took first prize in the Ghastly Smell olympics. And you all know (I hope) that I'm not a weak-kneed lass. I can handle things. I'm tough.

Ok, ok, so I handled it. Digging out the first layer of half cooked peas went fine. I then reached the second layer. Charred peas. Half an inch deep, at the very least.

The pot took a long time to get clean.

I DO know how to make pea soup!!!

Pathetic. So pathetic.