Confessions of an arachnid

They all say I am clumsy, and I suppose I oughtn't quibble because I do tend to trip over at least one of my eight feet a day. But it's so hard to keep track of them all! Maybe I should blame my mother... she only had seven. Once, on a quiet evening; full and comfortable from a large meal, she told me The Story. Seems like a human kid got ahold of her and removed one and would have finished the grisly job but for the advent of my mother's friend the Wasp. He he. She still snickers at the memory of that kid's yells. But then, once she gets thinking on the subject, she invariably commences recounting the details of Father's death, which brings a tear or two to several of her many eyes. Abruptly, however, she'll catch herself and change the subject; wary be anyone who attempts to comfort, she's been known to pin one to the floor with a small web and leave in a huff.

I can't criticize her, though, because she did a thorough job of teaching me the intricacies of human dodging. They tend to be a dangerous lot; almost always at the sight of one of our kin they'll grab a nearby stick and--knocking us flying, our legs flailing wildly--wreck havoc to the painstakingly woven work of art which is our home. Our means of bread-winning! Or might I say, capturing warm flesh and blood. I become hungry merely writing about it.

I think most of you may know me as Charlotte (as in Charlotte's Web). What you don't know is that movie was a farce. I allowed it to be shot in an attempt to shed a better light on all spiderdom. But it didn't work, not really, and I tire of living a two-faced life. Obviously, I did not die at the end of the tale, and the pig... the pig--I shudder even now--was in no way my friend. People may never know what I went through trying to accomplish something heroic for all other spiders. I doubt I will ever completely recover.

Hmm, one more comment before I end this interview. I really do not appreciate what they did to poor Shelob in LOTR. She was my distant relative... like maybe my second cousin's stepson's sister's daughter... something like that. In any case, I PROTEST!